Breastfeeding - my experience

I'm not a celebrity or in the public eye, I'm simply a mum, a mum wanting to share her breastfeeding experience.


I always dreamed of becoming a mum, I had lots of experience with babies and toddlers growing up, so when it was finally my turn I had this plan...Fall pregnant, have a natural birth and breastfeed, well it started off well then the rest not so.

Everyone speaks of their pregnancies and birth experiences, but no one ever explains or goes on to how hard breastfeeding can be. I thought it was an easy, natural experience between mother and baby (envious of those that it is :)), well I couldn't have been more wrong.  Almost 4years ago now we welcomed our beautiful daughter and on I went to breastfeed her.

It all seemed ok at the very beginning, until I started getting cracked and sore nipples, I would cringe when it was feeding time as the pain that came with feeding was excruciating, I had hubby run out to get me some cream and nipple shields and I continued to battle through it. I had 2 midwifes come for home visits and offered their advice and help and then I basically felt I was left to do the rest...So, you put baby on boob, they feed, drop off, burp, then a few hours break and then its time for the next feed, sounds easy! Well it wasn't! Id put her on, assume she was getting the milk, burp she'd throw up and throw up blood and then what was meant to be a break between feeds was a break of crying and screaming, and the breaks got shorter and shorter, Id think to myself  'surely she cant be hungry still' so id think of things to do, take her for a walk, drive, shop but she still screamed. I remember phoning the hospital about the blood as it looked bad, and they told me 'it was just from your nipples, blood is salty it will make her sick but keep battling through it'...easy for her to say. I did continue to battle through but I no longer enjoyed it, I didn't like seeing her throw up blood, I didn't like the feeling of someone stabbing me with needles, her crying and wanting to feed all the time, so we decided to reach out to formula - this was not in my plan, I wanted to breastfeed for 6months at least! I could have reached out to getting help with it, help I felt lacked for a first time mum, but instead I went to the bottle.

So a bottle of formula was given and wow did she guzzle that down, 'the break' was now a break, I had what appeared to be a much happier and settled baby. What I didn't know was I had been starving her, I barely had any supply (found from expressing), so she was sucking so hard to get something out, that she destroyed my nipples and became a little vampire.
I felt relieved, less stressed knowing she was now satisfied but I also couldn't help but feel I had failed, failed because I had the expectations as her mother to breastfeed her, but not only that I was disappointed as I was so looking forward to doing it. But at the end of the day it was our baby that needed to be happy and healthy no matter what source of milk it was, and it worked for us in the end, hubby worked away and it meant when he was home I could sleep, go out and not worry about feeding. I soon learnt that the best plans can go down the drain and to not have such high expectations, you just have to do what feels right for you and your baby. I also knew that one day id be lucky enough to have another chance at it...which I did.

3 Months ago we welcomed our gorgeous boy and again I wanted to breastfeed, but I certainly didn't go in with such expectations I just knew I'd give it a really good go this time. My milk came in, I felt full, he was latching really well, no sore nipples and it was completely different to the first few days when I had our daughter, so I was excited and felt really good about it.
Day 3 we had a visit from the Paediatrician to tell us he had been alerted that Beau had a tongue tie and they would cut it then and there, so no worries they did.
I went home, and had my first midwife visit, all was good, he was latching well and milk was still flowing. Then what all nurses warn you about and you think it wont happen to you, well it did, I got mastitis, possibly the worse 24hours of my life, if that was what dying felt like I was feeling it. Trying to look after a new bub, toddler and having to go through that kind of pain, it was not easy. (thankfully hubby was amazing) I got to the doc asap, and he gave me more antibiotics - he was shocked I even got it as I was already on antibiotics. It felt like forever before the antibiotics kicked in I was doing everything to relieve the pain and that night I rang the hospital in tears as I couldn't see the end to it, asking them to take us back in, but they refused and gave me all the tips I was already doing. I fought through it with the help of a friend, I wouldn't have done it without her (something I never had first time round)
But after the mastitis cleared my breast never felt the same, I never got the full feeling I had felt, I was so upset and frustrated that this was my second chance and again it was failing because of the stupid, horrible mastitis. But I wasn't giving up! I did buy formula to back myself as I didn't want to be left like last time. But I didn't really use it, I continued to breastfeed and we had a really happy, smiley boy, so of course he was getting milk. Weeks went by and I kept getting comments like 'oh he's tiny' 'oh how old he must be only a few days' yes I could see he was little but both Kayla and hubby aren't big. We went to our 6 week check and the Paediatrician was a little concerned not a lot of weight was gained but at 12 weeks we will reassess and go from there. 6 weeks of breastfeeding, happy, smiley, chilled out reflux baby and back to the Paed. He still had put on barely any weight and the Paed was very concerned, nothing like been told your child is malnourished. I was heartbroken, scared and worried and that thought of failing came back. We were sent to hospital from the appointment for monitoring, tests and failing to thrive. During our hospital stay I had to express every 3hours over the 36hour period and see what I was producing. He was been topped up from my express milk with formula and in the 2 nights he had gained a great amount of weight. So it appeared the lack of weight was a feeding issue, so we were sent home. We were so relieved it was a feeding issue and not anything more serious, but I was feeling pretty gutted that again I obviously hadn't been very successful with the breastfeeding.
We had a plan set in after leaving the hospital and that was giving him a combo of breast and formula until his weight improved. A week later I popped down to the local nurse and we had a great chat, why I didn't go see her sooner I don't know - I guess I felt everything was going smoothly and I just had a petite baby. She told me to get some tablets to help my supply and to come see the lactation consultant. So I saw my GP and got the tablets, 2 days of taking those I felt fuller. I got a call from the lactation consultant and she fitted me the next day. I went to see her and I had found my 'life saver', she spotted straight away Beau had a posterior tongue tie, (some babies have none, some have 1 and some have 2 - like Beau) So we had a huge chat, watched a DVD, leaving me with lots and lots of information. It all made sense! Finally I had an answer! My poor little guy physically couldnt use his tongue and muscles properly to get a good suction for the hind milk. I went away feeling 10 times better. 3 days from seeing her he had laser treatment on his tongue tie..onwards and upwards. 

Its been a rollercoaster but here we are today, Im still breastfeeding, with formula top ups, and weight is piling on., I've never been so determined to keep going and to cherish our bonding time.

Stacey x

PS. I admire all mums breast or bottle feeding, no matter what you do be proud, us mums don't get enough gratitude.

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